a year ago today (or the 4th if you think in calendar years) paul and i were sitting on the couch watching tv. it was cold and wintry i assume; i bet the heater might even have been on. i went to the toilet, saw blood, and came back and said to paul ‘i think you might need to take me to the hospital’. in the end we rang the birth centre and they said to just go in in the morning, and so i spent the night in bed by myself, in pain and wrapped around a hot water bottle. it felt like period pain, and i wasn’t taking anything for it hoping it might all be ok and everything would be ok in the morning; i’d still be pregnant and we’d keep on going as usual.

but instead we got up at 6.30 and drove emma’s (loaned while she was in south america) car to the hospital. we worked out how the system at the early pregnancy clinic worked (eventually), and waited in the corner of a hallway to be seen by (i think) a midwife. we were in the hospital proper, not the birth centre we’d been on a tour of the week previously. the corridor we were in was clearly out of the way, for people who were not sure of what was up with their pregnancy. there were sad faces and hands being held. we made it through the morning, saw nothing on the ultrasound, and were given options. options to take home and decide, in time.

in the end i chose to go back and have the ‘products of conception’ removed from me surgically the next day. i was lost, and in a lot of pain, and wanted to know what i would have to deal with (abortion/surgery side effects instead of the unknown of a natural miscarriage). it was a really hard time, and the beginning of a really really hard year.

i have been feeling really good lately, ups and downs but generally good. i’m grateful to the people around me who caught my tears, listened to my rants and lived with my sadness. and i sorry about how it’s affected our relationships. in the last few days i’ve been so sad, to the point of tears at the pub watching a friend’s band. the sadness from the last year is back, and i finally realise it’s my body remembering this time; reminding me of what i’ve been through. it’s a hard time, and i know i’ll get through it. but i’m just sitting with it now, paying my respects to what could have been.

i’d kill for some kale about now.